I Imagine You Would Eventually Reject Me If You Knew This Is What I’m Thinking and That Makes Me Want To Run Away

By Jodi Reeves

 

My face says it all

But rarely what’s accurate and true

My tears don’t do it either

Just swell in my eyes and jowls frothing desperation

 

And sorrow…”just a distraction”…is your reaction

Grab a cloth to wipe them off

The wetness at your eyes and mouth make us uncomfortable

 

Don’t be a baby

We don’t know how to act

When I open up to speak, what falls out

But stereotyped sentiment and an energy suck?

 

I wanna say it so bad…

That stuff that expresses my feels

To draw you in with the curiosity of a child

And explore you

And me too

 

How do I shake this goldmine loose?

What about YOU!?

Can ya gimme a boost?

What do I hope to accomplish?

What do I want?

 

Just to understand and be understood

Attention and appreciation of each little grain

 

This is an intimate request and

I don’t even know if I can adequately return it

Because I’ve missed so many opportunities

Like…my brain is just too slow

 

My heart still hurts

I want someone to care

Who doesn’t mind reassuring me endlessly

I AM prepared to give THAT back

 

I want to be held and spoken to so sweetly & softly

to be gently invited to open up

 

If I wind my aura down & ground

Will you come closer?

If I temper my static

Could you hear me better?

 

I swear to you I’m soft

But they made me outta sandpaper

And I’ve washed myself so many times and used the fabric softener

Yet I’ve retained this caustic morosity & self-centered mindframe

I’m so afraid of leaving splinters & disdain

 

I’m so afraid talking to me is

Like listening to other people shit

In a public restroom

 

I’m so afraid of what you think of me

And it all gets locked up

Into my body & face and

And AND the hand-eye coordination slips…

 

AND WHERE ARE MY MUSCLES!?!?!

God, I can’t reach; I’m too short!

 

What if I walked differently?

Pushed out my chest and held up my head

What if I pinned stilettos into my heels and my feet appear

Smaller? Thinner?

 

What if I could maintain presence & eye-contact

After I speak?

Instead of run away?

 

What if I didn’t think I was cool?

What if I didn’t think I was a nerd?

What if I didn’t think I was a…a…a…

UHhhhh….

 

What if I DID think I was good enuff for you?

What if I didn’t think?

And what if I didn’t blink?

And what if I just didn’t?

What if I?

What if?

AND….what?

 

What if I never connect with anyone else ever again?

 

Am I so ugly…repelling…apalling…

RAPID FIRE! BOOM!

Draining? Disrupted? Warped? BOOM!

Strange? Smelly? Dazed? BOOM!

Crazy? Egotistical? Confused?

Hardened? Intense? Sad?

 

What is it that you can’t stand here?

Dear, how can I tailor myself to meet your desires?

 

Fuck! Who will ever love me!?

Who could even handle the TASK!?

What if I never did anything again?

Would everyone love that?

What if I did everything wrong on purpose – HA!

Is that it?

The secret equation?

 

What if I sat myself in the corner of the bar I work at

Writing about myself and MY deep sadness

Hoping to appear mysterious & appealing?

 

What if you walked up and touched my arms

And it washed all of this away?

 

I would coo relief from such a heavy heart

Close my eyes for a moment

While breathing in all this healing

Let your presence be a salve

 

My heart would flutter up to my throat

And suspend its beat in my tongue

And you…

You squeal and click in response

Because you’re weird as me

 

You can touch me

I’m not outta reach

Nevermind my violent screech

 

I’ll smile regardless of this drippy feeling

Not because I’m fake

But because I don’t wanna give you

This moody weather too

 

I want to give you a smile

I’ve been working on creating

A comforting loving environment around me

My taste is kinda trashy though

And me wallet be scurvied

 

Or maybe my taste is expensive

I just never learned how to work hard enuff

-No-

This is sad and going nowhere

 

I have said nothing and have nothing to say.

I can’t keep this conversation going

But you know Ill keep talking

 

I stuck my ropey arms into my ears

I’d hoped I’d pull out a treasure

Something legible

There was only dirt from the garden

And wax from my headphones

 

Thank the gods there was at least that

Can’t even come up with a good reference…

 

Then I thought: “this pain isn’t even mine”

I must’ve absorbed it from the kitchen

I have a suspect too

But that’s not as important

 

Old self latched and began reciting

All the old stories of self-pity & loathing

Just to keep the bond that was offered

Unspoken

 

I can Pause. Notice. Redirect.

Feel into where I wanna be

 

In the loving crusts of the Earth’s surface

At the sweat lodge

My mother’s palm

The fuzzy breast gap of an old lover

In Fiji, in bed, a cool breeze & hot sun

Tho ocean’s salty, nutritive soak!

 

Ah yes.

Love IS here.

But recognize all its forms:

Respect, consideration, compassion, awareness

Attention, response, enthusiasm, QUESTIONS!

Hugs, kisses, conversation, slowing down, speeding up

Verbal warning, following through with what you SAID you were gonna do

Showing up early….

Taking showers and going to bed when you’re tired

KNOWING when you’re tired

 

.B.U.T.

Do we let ourselves loose

To run

Everytime we feel

We just

Must?

 

Jodi currently studies the self at a Buddhist monastery & farm in California after living several different lives in a short 30 years. From dropping out of college & rampant drug addiction, to 12-step recovery & alternative healing, Jodi lives joyously with her life decisions. It is one of her missions to be a sanctuary in which she gives voice to her own experiences with social taboos like addiction, abortion and sexually transmitted infections to remove fear & shame for other women to do the same. She wants all women to celebrate their strengths and beauty by getting real with their flaws. How can we turn calamity into serenity? How can we see challenges as gifts?