Go Ask Alice
By Anastasia Beaverhausen
Dear Alice:
All my boyfriend wants me to do is give him handjobs or blowjobs. I’d like a little action, too, you know? Why is it that guys want to get but not give? Does it have something to do with their age? I’ve heard that guys over 30 lose interest in sex unless it’s all about them. My boyfriend won’t even kiss me anymore. I’m still attracted to him, so is it me? Or is he just using me for his own sexual pleasure, and has no interest in satisfying me? If that’s the case, I should drop him, fast!
-Handled
Dear Handled:
As my daddy used to say, when something didn’t sit right, “that dog don’t hunt.” He won’t kiss you but he wants his own physical needs met? Ummm, no. What are you, his sex slave? Stop giving him hand jobs, blowjobs or any kind of job right now. It’s not an age thing; it’s a maturity thing. A healthy sustainable relationship should be a two-way-street with give and take, where both people’s needs are being met. This sounds like a one-way street to me –with your boyfriend doing all the taking. Of course you want some action and you deserve it. So this is where the rubber meets the road. Talk to him; tell him your concerns and needs, and see if he’s willing to make some changes. If not, tell him to throw his shit in a sack and hit the road. If he is willing to work on things, then take it a step at a time. Change doesn’t happen over night. Having that said, put yourself first. Take care of you. Look out for number one. You deserve better. As my daddy also used to say, “you get what you settle for.” Don’t settle. Get laid like you want!
Dear Alice:
My husband is frustrated with my hobby of building bird houses. I do spend a lot of time doing it. My workshop is my haven. It’s all neat and how I like it. I make birdhouses for friends and family as gifts, and I sell some, too. Honestly, I like the time alone doing something creative with my hands, and something that is appreciated by others. My husband doesn’t see it that way. He thinks I do it to avoid him. He may be partly correct. Sometimes I feel nagged, and our house is always a mess because he is very busy outside the home, and I’d rather spend my free time in my workshop than vacuuming. But I do love him and want us to be happy together. How can I find a happy medium between spending time on my hobby and time with my husband?
-For the Birds
Dear Birdie:
First let me say this- what a blessing that you have found a hobby you enjoy so much and get so much satisfaction from. Many people aren’t so lucky and don’t have any “soul food” in their life. Hang on to that. Don’t apologize or feel guilty, or let yourself be guilted about having this creative outlet in your life. Ever. Women give so much of ourselves to others, all the time, often to the point of exhaustion and complete emotional depletion. We get lost in our partner’s and children’s lives to the point of losing ourselves. So stand strong. Finding something to do with your husband is a great idea though. Let’s flush that out. Are there any activities you already enjoy together? Is there something both of you are interested in learning? Could you take a cooking class together or swing dance or anything that speaks to both of you? Maybe time away from the messy house and the patterns that run your daily lives would be a good idea too. Can you plan a special outing or trip for the two of you to reconnect? It might also afford you the time and space to talk to him about how important your hobby is to you and reassure him that you love him. Sometimes a little time away gives you the perspective you both need to relax, reset and recharge.