Go Ask Alice

Artwork by Staci Dickerson

Dear Alice, whenever I masturbate, I think about women until the end and then it’s a guy bringing me home. I’m not interested, at all, in a lesbian relationship; not attracted to women that way and never have been. I’m a straight up hetero, so then why the female fantasies? I think it’s because I imagine what’s being done to me, or what I want done to me. What do you think?

Fantasy Girl

Dear Fantasy Girl,

This is a question that I have received before; I even had to think this through, as this is exactly where my fantasies take me!  I think it is perfectly normal and doesn’t conflict with your heterosexuality. It is a fantasy after all, and I think for most people, their fantasies don’t necessarily have a real-life component.  There are plenty of things I would not tell people I masturbate to, that I would never want to happen in real life; that is what makes the fantasy realm both healthy and confusing as we wonder if it says something more about us than is really there.  We read murder mysteries without wanting or desiring to murder but we want to envision that thrill through another character’s eyes.  Also, if anyone has spent time looking at porn, even for examples of where your mind can take you, you know that the women are very attractive and well kept;  the men, however,  have a large dick and we don’t really care about what it is attached to.  I found that very confusing and enjoyed imagining the women I saw in those beginning images, as opposed to the large dicked, hairy man. Embrace your fantasies of the female form; it is beautiful, sexy, intriguing, beguiling, and creates the life of our planet.  I mean, who wouldn’t get off to that?

Keep the fantasy alive,

Alice

Dear Alice, since being home during the quarantine I’ve realized I don’t love my husband. I don’t even like him. I hear him bragging to his family about how much he’s helping around the house, but he doesn’t do anything except take care of himself. He doesn’t help homeschooling the kids, cleaning, cooking, shopping or anything that doesn’t revolve around him. Sometimes he’ll wash the dishes but he never finishes. There’s always one pot or cup unwashed, like he won’t finish a job that’s beneath him somehow. He takes the dog for a run, but won’t ride bikes with the kids. When I give him a hand job, he folds his hands over his head and doesn’t touch me at all. It’s all about him, all the time. How haven’t I noticed that I married a selfish prick before now?

Sick of it

Dear Sick of it,

This has been an interesting time to spend with loved ones; when we are with them 24/7, reality can be challenging, and I think you are not alone in realizing, to put it nicely, that you have grown apart from your husband. Have you sat down with your husband and told him what bothers you about the unfinished cleaning and bragging?  I have learned that my idea of a finished project is not the same as my fiancé’s (and vice versa) and our therapist helped us to realize that we needed to share with each other those expectations. (As a side note, it is infuriating when there is one cup left in the sink- I too have this issue.)  Have you ever considered therapy?  If you don’t genuinely love him anymore, it is probably in the best interest of you both, to part ways.  We all change and grow, and while I think most things can be worked on, sometimes a gut instinct is better to follow. I think his absence in his children’s activities is appalling, and regardless of your feelings, you need to advocate for him to spend time with your children. Sexually, both hands need to be doing some sort of job in participation, so I would again, ask for what you want, and if he doesn’t want to participate, your hand is officially unemployed.  I would suggest couples therapy before doing anything rash, but his selfishness will not lead either of you in a positive direction.

Please fire your hand until you have this “hard” conversation.

Alice