Speaking My Truth

By Sana Wells

The biggest secret in my life is that I do whatever I want. It’s far more apparent the older I get, but in retrospect, I’ve been doing whatever I want as far back as I can remember.

When I say that, I mean it. If I don’t like a job, if I don’t like a situation, if I don’t like a person, place, or thing, I leave. Ok, it’s not that easy, I don’t just leave; first, I must speak my mind. Right a wrong upon my departure. You know, going out with a bang attitude. I have actually been called a natural disaster several times in my life; leaving a wake where it’s clear I was there.

Granted, as I’ve gotten older, I have found a way to count to 10 (truthfully more like 5 or 6, and on a good day 7, before I speak or act.) Unfortunately, when I was younger, there was no pause, no filter, no counting. You can imagine that got me in much trouble, or at least caused a burning red face of either humiliation or embarrassment. I like to think I’ve gained wisdom the older I’ve gotten, but I still have my moments of cussing myself out in my mind because I didn’t think about what I should say, but rather, blurted out my version of truth.

That’s the core of it … truth. My truth, but truth nonetheless, is at the core of my behavior. It’s my seemingly altruistic view on life or a situation that gets me in trouble; where I encounter most of my obstacles with other people. Me, mindlessly, blurting out a truth in some sort of righteous manner. Better yet, me seeing some sort of unjust situation and feeling it’s my responsibility to right a wrong. That’s how I got a hater fan club, the people who really do not enjoy my company.

Most people sincerely do not want to hear the truth, or my truth anyway. Yes, it’s true! Truth makes people feel uncomfortable. I have found that most people prefer to simply bask in denial. I think it’s nice to visit denial periodically, but not to live there.

I find all of this to be a guilty pleasure. I know so many people who are miserable because they’re afraid to speak up, have unrealistic obligations, have an endless excuse book for why they live the way they live. They are unhappy because they cannot live in their truth.

Most people can’t imagine doing whatever they want. Most people worry about what the neighbor thinks, what their boss thinks, even what the mailman or salesperson thinks. They feel they can’t show their anger or won’t cry in front of strangers. Lots of us bottle up our feelings and find some sort of self-destructive way to let those emotions out. I do not. I let my feelings and thoughts be known, most of the time immediately.

I was bawling the other morning because my dog dropped a dead, gorgeous, red headed woodpecker at my feet and when I explained to my husband why I was crying, he actually looked at me in awe and had this epiphany about how difficult it must be to be me, running the gambit of emotions before the day has barely begun.

I may speak on reflex, but I don’t just do whatever I want nilly-willy. There are a few key questions I ask myself when I realize I’m unhappy, have a major decision to make, or can’t figure out what I do want. Actual words or questions I ask myself. First, if I know I can’t fail, what would I do right now? Secondly, will I regret not doing this or that? Once I figure out the answer, I am able to proceed in life.

Not worrying about where the money is going to come from, or how on Earth I will be able to accomplish these new goals, I just simply move forward and do whatever I want. I do my best to not trip over the little stuff and surround myself with other truthful people.

Not to live with regrets or what others think about me is a guilty pleasure! I smirk, a lot, knowing someone has just raised one eyebrow at me because they’re not sure where I get the gall to say what I say, or wear what I wear or do what I do.

At this point in my life, I’ve been blessed to have recreated a family where “whatever I want” is our family motto. Yes, recreate; it’s not my first family. Like most of us, I have endured a divorce and family members dying, and then decided I was ready for something better, to get away from the loneliness of loss. We all have the chance to recreate our family, constantly.

The question is, have we learned any of those lessons life has thrown at us? Or do we simply continue to recreate the same situation— over and over again? Because, the truth is, life keeps repeating the same lessons over and over until we get it. Everyone has a choice to learn the lesson and live without guilt about any pleasure. I choose to be happy and let life itself be my guilty pleasure. Speaking my truth and a good tiramisu are all I need most days.

Sana Wells went to college as a dance major, and became an Internationally Certified Yoga Instructor, water aerobics instructor, aquatic therapist, and massage therapist. Now she has been teaching and practicing all for almost 30 years. Sana’s a native Californian, but Colorado has been her home for the past 20 years. She’s here to stay.